


The Autobot Pizza is the Pizza For You and Me

by becklame



Series: Too Much Seaspray [1]
Category: The Transformers (Cartoon Generation One), Transformers Generation One
Genre: Crack, Gen, this is only teen-rated bc of like one swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 09:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10941606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becklame/pseuds/becklame
Summary: Starscream orders a pizza. This looks like a job for an unlikely Autobot.





	The Autobot Pizza is the Pizza For You and Me

**Author's Note:**

> I slowly started writing this around when the Legends Seaspray toy was first unveiled and people were making jokes about how his weapon looks like a pizza box. Now that the toy is being sold online I figured I ought to finish this up and post it while it's still relevant.
> 
> This fic also uses my personal headcanon that the Autobots and Decepticons crashed somewhere around New Jersey.

\------------

Pizza Czar was a small, locally-owned establishment hidden on a street corner in what wasn’t exactly the most happening part of town. As such, business was often slow, despite the place’s claims of having “the biggest pies this side of New Jersey.”

So when Pete the delivery boy heard the phone ring, he was quick to pick it up, but what should have been a pleasant surprise for Pizza Czar turned out to be not-so pleasant.

He didn’t have any time to ask what he could do for the caller before a shrill voice screeched into his ear:

“I demand one of your very large and savory pies, flesh creature!”

Pete had to hold the telephone a good distance away from his ear so as to not damage his eardrums from how loud the voice was. It sounded like he had heard it before somewhere...was that a Decepticon calling him?

Great, the first customer they’ve had in a long time, and he’s a robotic war criminal. Might as well make sure he gets the right toppings so they don’t risk invoking his wrath.

“You, uhh, want anything on that?” Pete asked, his voice shaking.

There was silence on the other end for a while, and then a “The Earth creature wants to know what we want on it.”

“Pineapple!” came an echoing, insectlike hiss.

“Laserbeak requires protein,” said a vocoded monotone.

The Decepticon placing the order spoke to Pete again. “Just put everything on it! I, Starscream, have far too many mouths to feed!”

But wasn’t Megatron the Decepticon leader? Pete decided it was best not to question them, except for...

“Okay...sir? Do you want that delivered? Thirty minutes or it’s free.”

“To the Decepticon base, of course! Now get on with it!”

And with that, Starscream hung up, and Pete just held the phone silently, while his manager approached him.

“I heard everything,” he said. “We’d better call the Autobots for this one.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

“It’s a relatively simple mission,” Optimus Prime briefed his fellow Autobots, “but it will still require infiltration of the Decepticon base, and there’s no telling what they might do to one of us.”

“Aw, Prime, I could take it,” Bumblebee suggested with a mouthful of the pizza that Spike had ordered to the base from the more popular chain. “They’ll probably make sure they get it for free, but I can keep ‘em busy if they throw any punches.”

“You’d be great for the job, Bumblebee,” Optimus assured him, “But I had someone else in mind this time...”

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want me specifically for this, Prime?” Seaspray gurgled with uncertainty after Optimus had called him to the base. “I’m not exactly the go-to Autobot for...pretty much anything.”

“The Decepticon base is underwater,” Optimus reminded him. “Logically, you should be able to make the delivery with the least amount of trouble. Sometimes I think Bumblebee is a little too eager to spring into a fight.”

“Oh, like he doesn’t do the same thing!” Bumblebee retorted, spitting chunks of his third slice of pizza halfway across the base.

Optimus flicked a half-chewed bit of cheese off his shoulder. “My point is, Seaspray, that you’re a little more likely to know your limits. If anything happens, send for us on your radio. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.” He spotted Bumblebee out of the corner of his eye trying to stuff an entire slice of pizza into his mouth. “...pun not intended.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

The employees of Pizza Czar thankfully had the hindsight to enclose the admittedly very large pizza box in a specialized waterproof container. Unlike Bumblebee, Seaspray never understood the appeal of human food, and because of this lack of experience was unsure if the pie was supposed to be that big.

“Look, man,” Pete explained to him. “We may boast the biggest circumference pizzas in town, but this is the first time made one giant robot-sized. Hope you get it to them in one piece.”

“I hope I come back in one piece,” Seaspray muttered to himself as he headed for the New Jersey coastline.

While he was alone on his delivery route, Seaspray had to admit that it was probably one of the lowest-ranking jobs an Autobot could have. One day you’re helping lead a rebellion on a distant planet, and another you’re providing the Decepticons with sustenance. Optimus was probably just taking pity on him, he thought. When was the last time he was included on an important Autobot mission? It was because of his dumb voice, wasn’t it? He knew that he sounds like gargling listerine is his absolute favorite thing to do, it wasn’t like that was something he could control.

Whatever. This just might have been his first solo mission, for better or worse. Maybe he’d get a promotion if Optimus was satisfied with him.

_Promotion._ What, does he work for the pizza place now? He’d never even had the stuff, but here he was, en route to the Decepticon base, with that thing human beings call a pizza.

Seaspray hated to admit it, but he was almost thankful for the destination. At least being underwater left him alone with his thoughts and not having to deal with heavy traffic or- ugh- red lights.

He didn’t have any problems, aside from his own personal ones, of course, until the base was finally in sight.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Starscream could see the unmistakable figure of an Autobot approaching the base. Those dirty humans must have been too chicken to show up themselves.

“Shit.” he called to Soundwave from across the base. “How long has it been since I, as your leader, ordered the pizza?”

“Twenty-five Earth minutes,” Soundwave replied calmly.

“We have to do something!” Starscream, well, screamed. “If if takes that puny Autobot less than five earth minutes to get here the humans will be wanting some of their wasteful paper currency, which we, being far superior, do not require!” he kicked open the door of the base. “Decepticons! Attack the autobot! But spare the pizza, I’ve been waiting very long for one of these, and now that Megatron’s doing business with that smelly human politician, I might finally be able to have one.”

Soundwave made a noise as close to a sigh as his vocoder allowed him and released several cassettes from his chest. He wondered if the humans might take energon as payment instead.

Rumble, always eager for a fight, was the first to draw his weapon. “Who's ready to rumble with Rumble?” he asked appropriately.

He didn’t have time to make a shot before Seaspray shot the blaster out of his servo with an expertly-aimed laser.

“Not me,” he answered, holding the pizza out in front of him like an edible shield. “And that will be seven dollars.”

Starscream began to rush out of the base with an exclamation of “What in the mighty Unicron’s name is a dollar?!”, but wasn’t able to make it past Rumble, who wrapped himself around Starscream’s leg in a manner similar to either a koala or a dog in heat.

“You may claim to be our leader, Starscream,” Rumble said, “but I’m calling the first shot. This is personal.”

Seaspray recalled his time on Tlalak again. “I’m not here to start a fight,” he reiterated, “but if you’re going to make this hard, you might want to check the pizza for tree seeds.”

Rumble tore himself from Starscream’s leg, screaming even though that was usually Starscream’s thing, and launched himself at Seaspray to the best of his ability. Fortunately for Seaspray, Rumble was not outfitted as greatly for underwater operations, so the Autobot was easily able to avoid the attack.

“Besides,” he added, trying to get closer to the Decepticon base while sidestepping Rumble’s tantrum, “you Decepticons seem to do a better job just fighting among yourselves.”

Starscream gritted his teeth. He would not be insulted by an Autobot, much less this Autobot specifically. He picked up the still-agitated Rumble and, with some grunting from the two of them, forced the smaller bot into his alt mode. As if throwing a rectangular frisbee, he launched Rumble toward Seaspray, where he transformed back into his robot mode and tackled Seaspray to the seafloor.

“Why you always gotta make this hard for me?” Rumble asked, his fist just inches away from Seaspray’s faceplate.

Seaspray blocked his punch with the pizza box. “Why are you still hung up on the tree thing?”

Rumble tried to grab for the pizza box, but Seaspray was still faster then him. “Trees are useless!” he whined. “They don’t do anything but stand around! They don’t even move a little!”

Seaspray managed to kick Rumble off of him and stand up. “You would have done more for this planet as a tree than you’re doing right now. You’d think the other cassettes would have joined you.”

As soon as he’d said it, Seaspray could see Laserbeak fly out of the Decepticon base, heading right toward him. He prepared himself for the ensuing attack...

...only for Laserbeak to just snatch the pizza box from his servos and quickly return to base to deliver it to Soundwave, whose monotone voice could be heard from inside:

“It has now been thirty Earth minutes.”


End file.
